So this is Living

So this is living.

Why do you live?

“To see the future”, “To be happy”, “To have fun”, “To experience EVERYTHING”, “To Love”, “To feel”…

People continue to live for a variety of reasons, some monstrously mundane, for others, ceremoniously sublime. Also, the life that we live is measured in many ways, by the days we live, by the friends we have, by the work we have done. But the question is not how we measure our lives, or what it is measured on, but why we measure it. We measure our lives to convince others, as well as ourselves that our life was worth living, that we achieved something. We measure our lives to be able to say something, to say that we left some permanent, indelible mark on our life, and hopefully in the lives of others.

But nothing is permanent! We've heard that too many times, experienced it too many times. But sometimes, we like to fool ourselves into thinking that things can stay the same. That we are happy, and that we are content. The bad news is that with all our confidence and hubris, and with all the half-truths and smokes and mirrors, everything is still a lie, yet nothing is a lie. Nothing stays the same, and yet it does, unerringly so.

So this is living. All the confusion and contusion that surrounds us does not merely stop at dumbfounding us, but also at binding our thoughts to what we think is reality. We are confused. Do we really know what we feel? Do we really feel what we think we’re feeling? Do we think that what we think is right, is right? People are wrong because people are right. But at the end of the day, not all that is right, is right. People are right because it’s the greatest opinion. The truth is a democracy and democracy is not merely the opinion of truth, but the opinion of the majority in what they believe to be the truth. Don’t be confused, my intention is not to further weave the endless lies that words bring, but to shine light using the exact same words that people lie with.

What is living? Is it merely to be complete? To find your better half? If it is so, then are we to assume that we were created as a part of the whole? And where, then, will we find the other half? I have deemed myself to be a romantic, one that believes in romance in the world, not merely in love, but in the existence of a divine comedic truth that truly believes in beauty. But even in this line of thinking, thinking that we are created as part of a whole does not sit well with my ideas. If we are created as a part, then are we doomed to forever live in despair until we find the other part? I do not believe so. I believe that while people would have a better “half”, the half in itself, is a whole no matter what happens. If living is only to be complete, then we are to assume that we are not complete and that our destiny and happiness lies with being complete? Being complete such a subjugation of purpose, because completeness means only that you are complete, nothing more, nothing less. It does not bring happiness in itself. Nothing does.

The search for perfection – Sounds like such a noble ideal. But then again, it is not in perfection wherein beauty, nor the self lies. Not only is perfection subjective and overtly overrated, but is seemingly impossible. We have not only programmed ourselves to search perfection, but to loathe it. We seek that we cannot have, and ultimately, despise it deep down. Arrogance, lust nor envy has anything to do with it. We seek the perfection that we know we cannot achieve, but at the same time, we tear down that which is already perfect – the concept of our self. While we may see flashes of perfection in other people, we forget that the concept of perfection comes from only one person: the self. This is the same self that built on what perfection is and the self that we actually project the perfection from. The perfect combination is a fallacy. While a square peg does not fit into a round hole, a perforated round peg fits in just fine. A puzzle piece may fit many different pieces, although imperfectly, but it still fits. Are we, then, to impetuously conclude that only one would be perfect for another? Or that one that does not seem perfect in the first try is impetuously imperfect forever?

Perhaps, we live to be happy and contented? Perhaps. But then, you would have to be happy and contented at the same time, which is not at all possible. Happiness is the feeling of elation that you have not felt for a long time. Contentment, on the other hand, is the feeling that you can live you life the way it is at that moment. Happiness is comparative. Contentment is not. You can be happier, but you cannot be more contented. Having one means you don’t have the other. Contentment means satisfaction, but mere satisfaction in life means nothing. Happiness, on the other hand, is an empty emotion that is ever so fleeting, as with any emotion. Neither one sounds enough for anyone. It must be a myriad of not only both happiness and contentment, but also of other emotions that add to the spectrum of life.

Your life is not being lived for these reasons, or at least, not these reasons alone. There are more reasons that life is being lived, that your life is being lived by you and only you. For ages, we have wondered why we have been living, but the thing is, why do we even need to know why we live? Maybe it’s to construct an erratically crude world we can all live in. Nobody really knows. Self-actualization? Chance of redemption before heaven? Experience? All these are nothing by hypothesis and intelligent guesses. And nobody lives their lives for the same reason as others do.

So, why do I live my life?

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Why not?

Curiosity killed the cat, but common sense left the dog ignorant.

Curiosity is the enemy of common sense.

Although, to many, common sense is very important, it is those who neglect it that discover wonders... Unfortunately, the same amount of people that ignore common sense and end up discovering wonders also, well, meet their untimely demise. Sometimes, they get lucky and just have to live through their lives with one less extremity, but more or less, those that are unlucky and foolish enough to brave a decision against their common sense get run over by a truck, or bus depending on which side of the road they decided to disagree with it. I have been thinking that perhaps the earliest kind of conscience is our common sense, but instead of morality, it focuses more on getting us through the day with all ten digits still connected to our hands. But then again, what is morality if not simply something that ultimately guides you into living well yourself, but that's another story altogether. So back to the point. Curiosity is the enemy of common sense, but before choosing to ignore your common sense, one must make sure that your, shall we say, disposition is well founded. Put simply, before ignoring your common sense, make sure you can survive doing the unconventional.

Curiosity is the enemy of common sense. It makes perfect sense. In the beginning, the earth was flat - common sense dictated the fact as such. Indeed, we do not see the earth curve beneath us. But curiosity got the better of some individuals and they continued asking questions. Who cares if it was the right or wrong question, the fact is, they asked, and they found out. They came to know the fact about our world and that it, in reality, indeed is round. Each and every breakthrough is made by the annoyingly inquisitive individual, if not by a questioning idiot.

Curiosity and common sense are natural enemies, like dogs and octopi. But, like in the wild, they cannot survive without each other. Common sense may be common (or uncommon nowadays, but again, another tanget), but if it were not common, then nobody would try and go against what most people think and believe to be true. By the same reason that there is not darkness without light and no goodnes without evil, tehre can be no curiosity without common sense.

I wonder what the enemy of spider sense is.

Living the Dream

In the middle of a quiz today, I asked permission to go out of the room to get a drink of water. Nothing special about that, as I always seem to go out of the room in the middle of quizzes to clear my head when my ideas get too cluttered. However, this time, something caught my attention. Outside the room was a girl looking out of the school. Before anything, no, it wasn’t the girl that got me thinking, but the way that she seemed to be so deep in thought, dreaming about something.

I wish I had time to dream.

I wonder what life would be like if I chased my dream instead of being where I am now. What if I had become a guitarist, a doctor, a soldier or a tennis player? What if instead of being a future accountant, perhaps one of the most boring and monotonous jobs in the world, I became a biologist, a psychiatrist or a writer? Perhaps a speaker, a computer programmer or a beach bum? How about a pilot, astronaut or a ship maker?

But that’s not the reality of the situation. Right here, right now, I am studying for the final examination of the term. Right here, right now, I am an accounting student. I am gawking at the heaps of paper that I have to read, atop a ream of more papers that I have already finished. I never thought paperwork would be what replaced my dreams.

Sometimes we kid ourselves into thinking we really are doing what we want to be doing. Sometimes I tell myself that being an accountant would make my dreams come true, that I would be paid and this monetary amount would be enough to compensate for my dreams in one way or another. In one way or another, what we are doing right now is the replacement of our dreams. What I am doing right now is my replacement.

We fool ourselves into saying that the reality and the dream are one and the same, that they are interchangeable and that this single reality is what we really wanted. We fool ourselves that this reality is adequate and that we are living our dreams.

That defeats the purpose of the dream, doesn’t it? Why dream of something you can attain? Want something you can attain, but don’t waste dreams on it.

But I digress.

The gap between what we dream and the reality, what I could like to coin as the reality gap, truthfully gets even wider as we try to pursue it. Why? Because at each step of the way, each and every realization about the fact that we cannot, in truth, reach it, we compromise and rationalize to the point that we would be willing to be content at the adequate. I’m not saying that chasing dreams is bad, but what we must realize is that we will never catch our dreams – we can only get close to it. But even then, we should get close to it by our efforts and achievements and not really by adjusting our dreams towards what we have achieved.

I wish I had time to dream.

I envy those that can and do dream. They not only have the time, but have the courage to dream and maybe even chase their dreams. But I also respect those who are willing to give up their dream in order to make a living. Being something you’re not and giving up or putting your dreams on hold is like that marshmallow test for some people. They’re just building up everything so that they can cash it in in the end. I, however, wonder about this. Can anything be cashed at the end? Can you attempt to realize your dream after putting it on hold or even after giving up on it? Shouldn't you’re whole life be either devoted to living (read: chasing) your dream or not living it? Is there a middle ground?

And, furthermore, Dreams are meant to be dreamt, but are they meant to be lived?

I wish I had time to dream – or to live for that matter.

No Life like Yesterday

What do you think would happen if a person knows when the best day of their life is? When they know that the day that everything goes right for them, that they make all the right decisions and pick all the right choices? Would that person look forward to that day and then enjoy it as immensely as he can? Would that person actually be able to enjoy it realizing the fact that the best day of his life is passing him by even as he’s doing what he is doing?

Many people would think that knowing the future would give them some peace. Why? Because then they wouldn’t have to work so hard on something so uncertain. If they know what the outcome would be, then there would be no reason to struggle. There would indeed be no reason to do beyond whatever they have to do because the future is already known. Whatever they may do under the circumstances, what ever will happen, will happen. Que Sera, Sera.

Of course, why would people not want to know the future? It gives them that information, that power, that madness. Perhaps one of the most intense driving factor would be the fear that is instilled into them because of uncertainty. If a person gives his all, but still somehow manages to fail at everything he does, then that only means that he is inadequate, unfit and unwanted. If he knew that he was inadequate, then he wouldn’t have bothered to put all that effort in the first place. If he knew he was unfit then he wouldn’t have tried. If he knew he was unwanted, he wouldn’t have been.

So if a person knows that a day, particularly this day, was the best day of his life, then would he not seek to enjoy it fully? Not quite. A person would be worrying about his day because he is now pressured to do everything right with it, knowing that this day would never be surpassed by other days. In thinking about that fact, he would be one to make his day worse, not better, in turn making all other days even more terrible.

Fatalism has that dire effect on men. While it would make them think that they have the power of knowledge, in reality, it robs them of it. Knowing about the future that doesn’t matter on what choices you make or what path you take would render you powerless to change you fate. It is forever bound to the fact that nothing can be done to improve your fate. That is the unquestioning subtlety with fatalism.

What would you do if you knew that today would be the best day of your life? Would you be pressured into making it the happiest? Would you rather it be the most productive day? Would you rather feel loved the most? The multitude of choices in which how to make it your best day would be enough to crush your spirit and will. How can this be the best day of my life? What aspect would it be the best day of my life? If other days pall in comparison to this day, then what have I to look forward for in the future?

I am turning 21 tomorrow. Tomorrow may just be the best day of my life. Then again, who is to say that today isn’t the best day of my life? Or that yesterday? Or the day before that? Would my life be any different that how it is today? I’m having a quarter-life crisis right now, wondering what I’ve actually achieved in the world, and what the world has achieved for me. As of yet, I have come to no conclusion. Does my existence matter? Did my best day already come and go? There is a 1 to 3 odds that it already did. Or even more, if you believe people saying that childhood, highschool and college were the best days of their lives.

But, after 20 years and 365 days (it’s a leap year), there is no quiet realization and enlightenment. The mirthless insanity and turbulent mindset of mine is forced into a draw, both with nothing to offer to console the problematic quandary. My 20th year and 365th day of existence would go quietly into the annals of history, as would most of my previous days. What have I achieved? What have I done? In my existence, have I done anything that would have satisfied me?

Not that I can remember. I have not done anything for me. Be it the loneliness or the problems that I have created for myself, nothing I have done has been remembered. Nothing. Nothing.

Best day of MY life…. My life? Why does it have to be my life? The this day, the day before my birthday could be the best day of someone else’s life and they might not realize it, or even not recognize it. Vlad, you haven’t grown at all, have you?

Stop thinking about the best day of your life. Stop thinking whether it has passed or whether you noticed it. Stop thinking whether others have noticed it. Stop thinking about yourself.

Change yourself. Was I a part of someone else’s best day of their lives?

Writing down History

              So what's up witht he Writer's strike? Not only am I pissed off because me teevee does not have anything new on it, but because It is the holidays and I can watch absolutely nothing at all. Its exponentially annoying that people TRY to push for what they want, not caring about others in the way. No seriously. Ryan Sohmer said the right thing: For every one writer out there, there are 1000 people suffering, and this includes me, a TV audience... No seriously, call me shallow, but I want my series back: Heroes, House, Grey's Anatomy and yes, fine, even Desperate Housewives. These not only provide the humor in my life, but gives me wit to mentally spar with some people as well as keep my sanity intact and prevent me from acting like a gerbil on speed.

            Another thing that annoys me is that these writers are keeping something from the world other than SitComs, dramas and general programming, but sparing the world of their humor and their talent. Now, I have said before that I myself have lost a huge chunk of my talent in writing. Yes, this abhorrent fact has not ceased to cajole me into absolute annoyance, and these writers not writing and spreading their jokes around just piles up to my increasingly dissatisfied life. Where, now, will I draw my inspiration from my writings if not the rantings of Gregory House, the ironies in the world of Peter Petrelli or sexual escapades of Susan Mayer et al. Through the full belly bellows, the half-laughs and groaners, these writers not only gave life and character to these individuals, but were able to create a whole world of their own. How dare they without that from humanity? How dare they not use their talents? How dare they pursue their own intentions over the well-being of others?

            Sure, they and the producers can get into a "Push me and I'll push harder" game, but in the end, they will only be able to push as far and as long as they have something to push with. In other words, this will indeed last for quite a while, as long as everyone is not allowing  the other to havetheir way. No seriously, what the hell. No compromise? Nothing. They will continue to butt-heads towards more unwielding positions. Both sides will lose money, but they seem willing to battle, Goliath on Goliath, as the liliputians (sp?) can do nothing but look on. And although this drama is almost as interesting as any of the series, its getting old.

How dare they deprive me of TV... Now I'm crankier.